Kurt Russell in Escape From New York (1981) is a Perfectly Assembled Action Star

One of the neatest things about modern* video games is the create-a-player feature, don’t you agree? Games like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, NBA 2K, even Grand Theft Auto to an extent are elevated by the untethered imagination that goes into custom-building your own human being.

We can’t do this for movies, of course. But what if we could? And if we could, what would, say, the perfect create-an-actor action star look like?

I think they—the male version, at least​​—would look a lot like Kurt Russell in Escape From New York. Or maybe exactly like him.

The coolest thing about Kurt Russell, to me, is that he wasn’t really even an action star when he made this movie. He played Elvis two years earlier in a TV movie. Hell, just over a decade earlier, he was a teenage boy starring in Disney movies like The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes.

But John Carpenter saw something in him. And then they gave us Escape From New York, and The Thing, and Big Trouble in Little China, and by then the new Kurt Russell was here to stay.

So what exactly makes Kurt Russell the ideal action movie avatar? Let’s break it down feature by feature.

I think we have to start with the name. Snake Plissken. Are you kidding me? “Snake” is obviously a super badass first name (I assume this is on his birth certificate), but I don’t think “Plissken” is even a real last name. I think Carpenter just came up with something that would sound cool when paired with the word “Snake.” And guess what? He was right. Moving on.

The first thing that really grabs your eye is, ironically enough, the eyepatch. There’s no doubt about it: Eyepatches are cool. One might argue that eyepatches are dorky and/or only for pirates, but that’s very silly, and if you think that then you should feel bad.

Then there’s the hair. My God, what a glorious mane. This is something we’re sincerely missing these days. No disrespect to the Fast & Furious franchise, but why are most of our modern action stars either bald or buzzed? Walking around like John Rambo doesn’t exist. Makes me sick. (Could this be why women are better at being action stars nowadays? Someone should write about that.)

While we’re at it, there’s the facial hair. Beards are obviously very cool and attractive, but all that chin fluff can really get in the way when you’re trying to barbeque some goons. Snake Plisskin wears about a fortnight’s worth of scruff like he was born that way; like he couldn’t shave it if he tried. It’s the perfect amount.

Before we get into his wardrobe, I have to mention the dad bod. Okay, “dad bod” is harsh; Russell was in good shape for this movie, but he didn’t have bulging pecs or rippling abs or insane arm strength. These things can be distracting or even offputting. I think it’s cool when action stars look like you could almost look like them if you tried really hard. That’s this. It’s great.

So, the clothes. They really work. I mean, he starts out in a leather jacket that looks like it was worn by the first Australians or something, and then he takes that off to reveal this Under Armour prototype lookin’ sleeveless shirt, which is not quite as rad but it’s tactical and that’s important when you’re trying to rescue the President. And those pants! I think they’re meant to be snakeskin, but they look more like a frigid chameleon walked onto an Army jacket, and you know what, that’s somehow just as cool. And those black boots? With the built in shin guards? Come on. Amazing.

But the best feature isn’t revealed until an hour or so into the film: the tattoo. Of course Snake Plisskin has a tattoo of a snake...but is it on his bicep? His forearm? His calf? The side of his neck? No, reader: It’s slithering up his gut and around his belly button as if it was summoned by his penis. I almost can’t believe it. It’s a spectacular character choice.

You can keep your British accents and your Bowflex torsos and your black suits. My perfect action movie character design is Snake Plisskin. Couldn’t have made him better if I tried.

*Modern meaning, like, the last two decades. Shut up, I don’t play video games.

Escape From New York is now streaming on HBO Max and AMC+, and it’s available to rent elsewhere.