I’d Like to Pay Tribute to the Heavy Metal Pioneers of Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (1977)

(Note: Today’s issue features spoilers about Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas. If you haven’t seen this lovely film, please go and watch it and then come back and read this thing. It’s very short.)

I don’t know when it happened or how long it has been the case, but as long as I’ve cared about such a distinction, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas has always been my favorite holiday movie.*

It’s an adorable early Muppets saga and a modern retelling of “The Gift of the Magi,” and I watch it with my nieces and nephew every Christmas. And with Jim Henson directing and Paul Williams writing the incredible music, it’s the Muppets team firing on all cylinders.

Of course, the story focuses on the titular Emmet Otter and his titular Jug Band (and also Jesus’s titular birthday). And they are a really, really good jug band, folks. Emmet joins forces with his friends Yancey Woodchuck, Harvey Beaver, and Charlie Muskrat to practice a song called “Bar-B-Que”** in hopes of winning the local talent show so that Emmet can buy his mother a nice Christmas present. (Emmet is a very good boy.)

But they do not win the talent show. And here’s the thing, folks: They didn’t deserve to win that talent show either.

That’s because the villains of this story—Chuck Stoat and his band of henchmen—happen to be in an incredibly good heavy metal band. They call themselves The Nightmare (a very good band name) for the purposes of the talent show, but as they let us know in their song, their full name is The Riverbottom Nightmare Band (an even better band name). And folks, they kick ass.

All of the acts that come before them in the talent show—they signed up late, so they have to (get to?) play last—are more traditional fare, especially for their time. Emmet and his jug band play, Emmet’s mother sings, a possum plays the banjo, a pair of rabbits do…some sort of dance routine. It’s all fairly standard, although Alice Otter does have a lovely singing voice.

But then along come Chuck and the boys, forming a band on the spot after stealing their instruments a day prior, and they bring the damn house down while singing about how they do whatever the hell they want all the time. I have a feeling they didn’t even practice; it seems like they just picked up their instruments and knew how to rock. Has to be those animal instincts.

Keep in mind, reader: This was 1977. The Riverbottom Nightmare Band may not have preceded the likes of Black Sabbath and Deep Purple and Motörhead and Judas Priest. But before Metallica? Before Slayer? Before Mötley Crüe? There was The Nightmare.

And please keep in mind that all of those bands are comprised of human beings. The Riverbottom Nightmare Band, though, is the world’s first combination mammal and reptile heavy metal band. The way Chuck Stoat*** growls their moniker, the way Howard Snake plays bass with his tail, the way Fred Lizard and Stanley Weasel wail on the drums and guitar. They are truly the first of their kind. (There is also a fish in Chuck’s crew but it is unclear whether or not he contributes to the band in any tangible way.)

Ultimately, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas works out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Emmet and Alice both lose the talent show, but their love for each other is stronger than ever, and they get to perform together at Doc Bullfrog’s restaurant to make back the money they spent on the talent show.

And The Nightmare? Well, they get to continue being the baddest band in the land.

*Before any of you try to tell me it’s not a movie, I would like to point out that nobody cares. Yes, it’s a TV special, but it’s 48 minutes long, which meets the Academy’s criteria for a feature film. And while I don’t necessarily subscribe to their definitions, I certainly don’t care about yours. Happy Holidays!

**As my editor John told y’all recently, the Muppets are Southern.

***I actually thought Chuck was a bear this whole time. I don’t know what a stoat is. I mean, I do now, but I didn’t before.

Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas is now streaming on Amazon Prime, and it’s available to rent elsewhere.